The Douchebag Handbook:
Effectivity of a workout is proportional to how many people you stand in front to perform given activity.
Sunburn, the body’s way of saying:
“You are an idiot”.
I may seem arrogant, but I have flaws you can’t begin to comprehend.
72% of all geek breakups occur when they answer accurately —yet incorrectly, to the question: “Isn’t this wonderful?!”.
“The good news is that the pie is ready! The bad, I lost a fake nail somewhere”
My sister, ladies and gentlemen.
Arepa con plátano de cena.
Próximos tweets desde mi guarida secreta.
Buying meat for a barbecue makes me think that maybe zombies are people like us… just really obsessed with freshness.
Got a flat tire when I was late for… nothing.
Terrible for a sitcom episode, but great regular ol’ boring life.
When in doubt, check Permissions.
Contagion is the wrong movie to try showing off about places you’ve visited:
“I’ve been there! Cough, cough”
(People lean away)
Standing in my room with a can in one hand and a leash in the other.
Why? How? What?
Mom: YOUR DOG IS WAITING!
…I need a memory upgrade.
Madurez: ponerle sólo las 3 cucharadas indicadas al Toddy.
Quizás el año que viene.
In other words: in this precise moment in space and time… it hurts to be me.
Hope everyone had a safe new years eve.
Hang: To be or remain suspended.
Over: finished; ended or concluded.
Don’t need to know Latin for this one.
Women: I need to pick which swimsuits to take.
Men: … crap, I can’t find my swimsuit. Do I even own a beach towel?
Las hormigas esquivaron los Halls para llegar a mi Cri-Cri.
Mensaje recibido.
Anecdotally, the battery life of my iPod Shuffle is ∞
You know when a music set is trying to kick you out a party and you don’t for up? Well…. I just did. #damnmy30s
Tonight I danced with a salsa teacher and learned a life lesson:
Don’t dance with a salsa teacher.
To all trying to look cool in the tropics:
Sweat, it’s what’s for dinner.